Free streaming of Maniac’s EP ‘Extended Play’? WINNAHH!

Dear you*,

I’m not sure how you want me to respond. I’m not sure how I want to respond. I’m not sure how I would naturally respond if I wasn’t so guarded.

I would probably be annoyed if you rejected the opportunity because of me. I would think you were stupid and I would back away slowly. I would be disappointed that you thought a girl was more important than an opportunity that is pretty much made for you.

I would be more disappointed if you didn’t take it than I am now that you have taken it. Just so we’re clear on that.

I’m not worried that we’ll find it too difficult to maintain whatever the state of the relationship is when you leave. I’m not worried that we’ll get bored of waiting to see each other and find other people. I’m not worried that one of us will end up resenting the other for not being supportive enough.

I think the thing I’m most worried about is not fixing the current mess we have, before you leave, and then never being able to get it right because you’re too busy with life. I don’t know if fixing it as important to you as it is to me and that scares me a little.

Honestly, I don’t want things to just go back to how they were. While most of the time it was pretty good, a lot of the time I felt a bit worthless and unsure of myself and my role. This time, it’s going to be perfect. Even if it’s “just friends” that you want, it will be perfect.

It will. It will because you like the crunchy chips and I like the soft ones. Because you like the cheesecake and base part of unctious cake and I like the white part. Because we want the same things in life and because we fit together perfectly. And you know it.

Peace, love and rainbows,

Kaiti xx

*The one who simply has no idea.

21. A recipe.

Since Maggie Beer is my cousin, and I love to name drop, I decided to use one of her recipes for this post. I have an obsession with all-day-breakfast foods and have ridiculously low iron, so try to consume a fair bit of spinach. In this recipe I’d probably use smoked salmon instead of ham, purely because I’m really into smoked salmon, and I probably wouldn’t have pepper. It looks lovely though!

Ingredients

2 Free range eggs
Smoked ham
2 handfuls Baby spinach leaves
Sourdough bread for toast
Butter
¼ cup Verjuice
Sea salt
Pepper

Method

Bring a saucepan of water to a rolling boil and add the Verjuice. While the water is only just back to boiling, crack the eggs into it one at a time, as closely to the surface of the water as possible. Poach for 2 – 3 minutes or to your preference. Meanwhile, wilt the spinach in a frypan with a little butter and a pinch of salt. Have the ham sliced and the toast ready. Place the wilted spinach on the toast, then the shaved ham and finally top with the poached eggs. Season to taste and serve.

20. A hobby of mine.

I have an obsession with seeking out new music and obsessing over bands. So this brand new project featuring Jake Grigg from Something With Numbers and Shawn Harris of The Matches, is pretty much made for me. The band is called Maniac and the song is called Die Rad. Chyeeeah, made for me.

Christina Aguilera - What a Girl Wants.

19. A talent of mine.

I’ve postponed writing this post because I genuinely haven’t been able to think of a talent I possess.

Today, however, I realised that I’m really good at finding lyrics and quotes [or making my own up] that relate to situations. I narrate my life in lyrics, and that’s pretty straightforward, but when it comes to giving advice, I tend to do it through interpretive dance, or quotes. I guess I could say a talent of mine is giving advice. I sometimes have the ability to channel Oprah or Rosalita [whichever one I need at the time] and figure out how to deal with things. I wonder how many of my friends actually agree with this though!

My friend told me today that his girlfriend broke up with him. It’s really sad because they’re beautiful together, but the above lyric came to mind, and I find myself using that one a lot. I genuinely believe it’s true. If something breaks you up but you’re meant to be together, there’s obviously a reason for it and it’s best just to go with what the universe tells you. I like it.

Dear you*,

There are too many things that I appreciate and forget to show my appreciation for. There are too many things I dislike that I’m willing to show my disapproval towards. I feel as though I need to take an opportunity to tell you how much I appreciate your presence in my life.

With me, there’s always a new drama; always something wrong, something amazing, something something, but always dramatic. I love that no matter how insignificant my drama is, or how overdramatic I’m being about a situation, you always react in a way that makes me feel as though I’m entitled to act the way I do. You don’t encourage me to do stupid things, but you’re able to acknowledge what I need in the moment, and you always give me the response I need.

A lot of people I know can be quite pessimistic, so when I get overly excited about something; which I often do, they tend to rain on my parade. You, however, manage to find a similar level of excitement, acknowledge that I’m happy, and when the time is right, subtly tell me if there are things I need to be concerned about.

I love that you care about my feelings.

I love that even though we haven’t been “friends” for very long, we’ve bonded really quickly. I feel like I can tell you everything without being judged and without the fear of you telling other people personal things. I feel like you’re one of the few people in my life who, if I needed you at some ridiculous hour, would be there in a heartbeat. You’re one of the few people who prioritise me highly, and I greatly appreciate that.

I want you to know [though I think you already do] that I’m here for you as you are for me. At any time of day or night, for any reason, no matter how significant, you can call me or knock on my door. I love you more than life and I am so thankful that you exist.

Here’s to many more dramas together!

Peace, love and rainbows,

Kaiti xx

*The one who forces me to do my best; the one who is always up for a chat; the one who fully understands the concept of a “friend”.

Dear you*,

There are some things that need clearing up. I’m not sure what you think this is, or what you expect from it, but recently it has become apparent that we have different expectations.

See, I thought we were friends. For the record, I like to think of ‘friends’ as people who enjoy each other’s company; people who can talk about things and understand each other without having to go into too much detail; people who are there for each other through thick and thin.

As I’m going through one of the toughest things I’ve ever dealt with [though in the grand scheme of things, a breakup is really not that significant], I’m also realising that you have a completely different outlook on what a ‘friend’ is.

I’ve always been aware that I’m not as important to you as you are to me. I’ve always been aware that you don’t prioritise me very highly. I’ve always been aware that you think solving your dramas is more important than anything I could possibly go through. I know and accept these things, because you’re my friend and that’s my job.

I’m wondering how extreme my dramas have to be before you’ll realise I need you, and at what point you’ll take five minutes out of your busy schedule to properly listen – the way a true friend should. Subtle hints apparently don’t work. Saying “I’m not okay, I need you” doesn’t work. What does it take? What should it take?

I would like to think, as someone who considers themself my friend, you would have enough involvement in my life to at least have some idea of what’s happening. I would like to think, as someone who considers themself my friend, when you speak to me on a day that I’m having a meltdown, you’d show that you care – at least a tiny bit. I would like to think, as someone who considers themself my friend, I am able to ask for a bit of time and a bit of love, without feeling like I’m a burden.

As someone who considers themself your friend, I don’t think I ask too much.

While at times I require a lot of attention and affection, I’m always willing to put my own needs aside to accommodate for your busy schedule. I rarely expect much and I’m never demanding. “I’m busy with work/uni/my boyfriend,” is your reason for not having time for me. I don’t expect to be prioritised before those things. I understand that you need to do well at uni, that you like spending time with your boyfriend and that you need money and need to keep your boss happy. At some point, however, you have to realise that your friends have equal importance, because they’re the ones who will stick around when the rest falls apart.

I feel that spending time with a friend should be something you look forward to. Something you make time for. Something you will bend over backwards to achieve. And when your friend needs you, you should, at the very minimum, be able to spare five minutes for a chat.

Friendship is two way street and if I’m there for you 24/7, I think it’s within my rights to expect a bit of support when I need it.

I’m wondering, if you don’t want to fulfil the unspoken ‘responsibilities’ of a friendship, why are you calling me your friend? Is it habit? Is it because you don’t want to hurt my feelings? Is it because you like to have a backup? Or are you just confused about what a friend is? I’m okay with letting go, but you need to make a decision.

I love you, but I can’t keep letting you let me down.

A wise man explained to me recently that the presence of acquaintances in life is just as important as the presence of friends; the way you rely on them varies, but they are just as important. Perhaps you’re made to be my acquaintance. In that case I need you to stop pretending. It’s time to let go.

Peace, love & rainbows,

Kaiti xx

*The ones who expect me to wait around forever; the ones who call me at ridiculous hours for advice, but won’t answer or return my calls when I’m absolutely desperate for a friend; the ones who warn me against being ‘needy’ – it’s uni exam time after all!

Dear you*,

There are too many things I don’t say. There are too many thoughts I don’t convey.

I know you can pretty much read my mind, but I feel like there are a few things that I need to put into words. It’s for purely selfish reasons, and I’m not sure that you’ll ever even read this, but I think it needs to be written before I can move on from it all.

You’ve brought up a few things recently that I don’t want to admit to you in person and I don’t want to discuss, ever. I’d like to take this opportunity to explain how I feel about these things.

I’ve become detached from everything. I barely trust anyone and I have zero expectations of the people in my life. I feel like I’m constantly being let down by the people who should never let me down. I feel like I’m constantly letting down the people I should never let down. I feel as though I’m failing as a friend, as a daughter, as a human being.

You’ve asked me a few times what I would do if I could do anything I wanted. To be completely honest, there’s nothing I can think of that I want. I think I’ve lost the ability to dream. I mean, I know I’ll get it back at some point, but at the moment, I forget how to find something seemingly unattainable and aim for it. I used to always do that. I used to come up with the craziest ideas, knowing there were few people who would believe I could do it, but having complete faith that if I wanted it enough, I could achieve it.

I used to be happy. I used to get ridiculously excited about what, to most people, seemed like nothing. I’d get unexplainably excited about rainbows, gigs, speaking to old friends, meeting new people, making new things, getting my makeup right. I used to want to try new things, make new friends and be a little bit crazy. Now, though, when I don’t want to just sink into the floor, I want to just blend in. I’m intimidated by new people and I’m scared of making mistakes.

I realised recently that I have zero self-esteem. I have the ability to fake it – most of the time, but I rarely feel completely comfortable with people. I used to be an open book. I never used to care what people thought of me. I rarely even noticed what people thought of me. Now, even with my friends, I feel like I’m leaving parts of the story out or not telling them anything.

Ultimately, I think it’s a fear of failure more than anything. Being the girl who advocates the motto “feel the fear and do it anyway,” it’s ridiculous that I’m letting fear hold me back. It’s ridiculous to think that I have everything going for me, yet nothing at all. Deep down I know that I can achieve anything and everything I want if I want it enough, but I feel like that’s for “future Kaiti” and that “present Kaiti” is going to fail at everything first.

I know, and I’ve always known, that life isn’t supposed to be easy. I just didn’t realise it was supposed to be this hard.

Peace, love & rainbows,

Kaiti xx

*The one who has been there all along; the one who breaks my fall; the one who helps me pick up the pieces, or sometimes just does it for me.

Dear you*.

I miss you. I miss sending you links to things that noone would understand the way you did. I mean, my friends all have a similiar sense of humour and know to laugh at the things I send them. But the in-jokes with you are endless and the things I find are all related to our in-jokes and my other friends just don’t get it the way you got it. Obviously when I say that people are lookin like a fool with their pants on the ground, they think it’s hilarious, but it’s just not the same.

It’s not the same when I hug other boys. It’s nice that they care about me enough to embrace me, but I don’t feel the same warmth with them as I have with you since the first time we hugged. I feel self-conscious and uncomfortable and like they’re just another person. Every hug is just another person. Of course there are people who are more special, more important than others, for example, my mother, but it just doesn’t compare to the way you would kiss me and then not really know whether to hug me or not, and then awkwardly semi let go, then draw me back in for epic cuddles. Forehead kisses from Mum, although I’ve always thought they were special, are nothing compared to the forehead kisses from you. There’s this spark that runs through my entire body everytime your lips touch my forehead.

When people tell me I’m pretty or beautiful or intelligent or amazing, it feels nice, but it’s nothing compared to what I felt when you said any of those things. Although rare, the compliments you gave me came in a package deal with goosebumps all over my body. Not in a creepy “I just ran my nails along a chalkboard” way, in an amazing “I feel so special right now that I can’t even respond” way.

The intense discomfort I used to feel when you touched my tummy was nothing compared to the way I felt when I realised you weren’t gonna judge me. It had nothing on the way I felt when I realised I could be my whole self with you, and that wasn’t going to change the way you felt about me. It was nothing compared to the way I felt when I realised how much you didn’t care about the superficial stuff.

I’m gonna miss driving past the ADI site and having it pointed out. Or the convenience of the path across the road from it. I miss talking bogan to you and I miss the excitement I got when I realised it was you on the phone. I miss coming online simply to see if you were around just for a quick chat. I miss knowing you exist in my life.

I don’t know if I want you back, but I want something that fills this void. Right now I feel like you’re the only puzzle piece that fits it, but maybe I’m meant to find a bigger piece and simply cover the hole rather than fill it. Maybe it’s impossible for you to be with me. Maybe I’m okay with that and am yet to realise it.

All I know is that, you’re the nicest thing I’ve ever seen. All I know is that I miss you…probably more than anyone ever should.

Peace, love & rainbows,

Kaiti xx

*The one who made me fall hardest; the first one I was attached to; the first one who wasn’t attached to me.

18. Whatever tickles my fancy.

Two words; Gary. Busey. If you’re not familiar with the wonder that is Mr Busey, start by reading some quotes. The thing I love most about him, is that he is considered and considers himself a “serious actor”, but after a lifetime of drugs and a brain damaging motorcycle accident, you could hardly say anything about him is serious. He guest starred in Entourage as himself, and it’s probably the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

17. An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.).

My bestfriend Rake is my favourite artist/artwork/pink haired lover. It’s not just the hair, piercings or tattoos, or even just the clothes she wears. The whole package is an artwork. And on top of all this, she’s ridiculously intelligent, loving, charming and beautiful. I could write so much more, but I’ve done it before, so I’ll leave it there.

16. A song that makes me cry.

It’s not just the lyrics, or just the way Jake sings it, but “I’ll Be There” by Something With Numbers gets my tear ducts working every time I hear it. It’s absolutely stunning and absolutely perfect for me and some situations in my life at the moment. Something With Numbers are definitely a band worth falling in love with.

I’ll wear the smile that you gave me, always
I’ll wear it so contagiously all day
I’d do almost anything that you say
I’d be away for centuries and you’d wait

I need you, to be, with me
And I’ll be there
When you need me

I’ll be there for you girl
I’ll be there for you girl
Night and day, now and then
I’ll be there

I know I haven’t been myself lately
It’s hard for you but please don’t do anything crazy
My head is in a different place, please don’t blame
My heart is where it’s always been put away safely

I need you, to be, with me
And I’ll be there
When you need me

I’ll be there for you girl
I’ll be there for you girl
Night and day, now and then
I’ll be there

You’re like a melody that I can’t get out of my head
I like how it torments me and keeps swimming in my head
And I just want to sing it
To anyone who’ll listen
It’s tickling my thoughts
Like you. like you

I’ll be there for you girl
I’ll be there for you girl
Night and day, now and then
I’ll be there

14. A non-fictional book.

“This is a book about celebrating being a succulent wild woman. It means living fully, richly, rarely and reveling in ordinary and extraordinary moments. It gives you permission, and calls you out to play.”

This is the most inspirational, honest, uplifting and amazing book I’ve read in a long time. Sark writes as though it’s a conversation, which makes it so easy to read. She says it’s okay to be flawed, it’s okay to have issues, but it’s okay to get over it and live your life properly.

The most relevent thing for me is her part on the fear of being “too much”.

All my life, I’ve heard that I’m “too much.” Too wild, too loud, too outragerous, too emotional, too sensitive, too needy; too much. My boyfriend and I have both been called “larger than life.” When I met him, I asked him if he felt “larger than life.” He put his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes:

“Susan, this is the size life is. Anyone who tries to make you smaller is just a lilliputian.”

As Dr Suess wrote; be who you are and say what you feel, coz those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

13. A fictional book.

The Twits by Roald Dahl, because he is pretty much the best childrens writer there is. I was first introduced to his work by Helen Edwards; my third grade teacher whom I mentioned in a previous post. The Witches will always remain my favourite, as it was the first novel I remember reading and it’s such a magnificent book. However, every single one of his books are fantastic. It’s love.

12. Whatever tickles my fancy.

This man is ahh-mazing. Nothing makes me laugh as much as he does. Last night I was at Oxford Art Factory seeing Philadelphia Grand Jury, and between the two support bands, they played this. It was definitely part of my top ten highlights list. What a babe.